Dear [REDACTED],
This is the version of you in reflection, we haven’t seen you here in a while.
I’m addressing you like this because this is a strange time, maybe the most turbulent of your life. And, because of both situational and psychological barriers, you haven’t connected with your inner self in a while. The world is forcing you to look outwards. Things are changing and you must be there for them. It’s natural to feel like you need to escape, but you are escaping in all the wrong ways.
When did you find this thirst? For attention, for gratification? For confusing emulsions of both in dissonant mixtures. I grant that after a decade of singular female attention, it’s natural to find excitement in the prospect that you are no longer excluded from possible advances, but even if it were that simple it would be a newly appropriate thought at the most extremely inappropriate time. You know this dude. Your excitement at it is attempting to take over you, spilling into the positive impulse vacuum that you’re finding left inside yourself. This isn’t the way out of it. The way you begin to recklessly pursue when your rationality pops like a flat tire impaled on a nail of emotional pain, is only going to rip you open wider.
You aren’t a bad person for getting sucked in by it all. But how easily you back out, retch, and find yourself repulsed after you’re done should really tell you all you need to know about why this is a bad idea right now. You will be free to explore, but just because there won’t be anything standing outside of you to halt for (except for the money, time and potential risk), there will always be your emotional physics creaking inside you. Cheap attention and cheap gratification will not fill the hole they promise to, and honestly I think you know that the odds of actually finding any are so low that you are almost certainly aimed squarely at solid rejections, further tearing you up. And even if you did, argue with me that you’d be able to go through with it? Without something invisible holding you back? I wonder what that is? You’ll use your money, your time and your energy to get something that only makes you more drainingly nervous, sad and alone. This is the road to loneliness, not the solitude you promised yourself. This is the path to the darker side of the dangerous place you are already going. Lonely single males don’t last long here. You aren’t even anywhere yet and you’ve already begun racing towards it.
Casual parts might be ok once you’re in a position to be casual, but you aren’t even. You aren’t even free and you’re nearly burnt out on this freedom because you are using the idea of it as a vice, and for that it will never make you happy. You are simply ruining the promise of a new dawn. Risk is ok, but you are so cut up right now that you just can’t measure it precisely enough to know what you’re doing. In time you might be ok to experiment, but right now you’re about to explode. Right now you need your wits, your vigour, your spare money, your energy to pursue, your spirit, your confidence, your self-respect, your dignity. All the things you’re throwing blindly into a grinding dopamine machine for a quick boost. I’m sorry it’s hard, I’m sorry you’re struggling. But you can’t let it warp your view like this. You need your vision, and as soon as you step back out into the world and remember your place in it, you remember too that that desperate person alone with wide eyes in that lonely room, chasing empty, degrading connections, that isn’t you. That isn’t you.
Sincerely… you.
Quit Vision 