They call it clarity. It’s not like a crystal, it’s more like you’ve turned around with your eyes closed. Something was ploughing towards you from behind and you didn’t know. You would have let it impact you, but you turned around and the inside of your eyelids flash-curdled from endless dark to bright light membrane. You felt the headlights shooting at you and your joints bent in reflex and leapt you on their own out of the way. You never saw what it was though, that was coming for you. Just felt an imprint glide raised against your instinctual fabric, and that was enough.
It felt bad in every direction, but one means something and the others do not. I’m truly glad I didn’t go. I was about to, despite the desire leaving me. Despite the vigour and the lust evaporating. Suddenly the ancient parts of me ceased to grind and devour. They let go of their colossal overpowering grip and let slip thousands of years from my modern nerves. I wanted to be, but there was nowhere to be. Practically nothing made sense, and yet I was still full of dread and excitement ready to ride. There was no meaning for me, just opportunity. There was no sense, only a frail spark. I would have frozen, unable to ignite and they would have had nothing. And what about the sheer fear of the unknown and the possibilities that wander into the messy and horrific? In isolation, these are risks I would have taken in exchange for chances, but even when the discomfort was only mild, I had made myself numb to the really heavy reasoning. The parts not out there, but the ones sitting at home. The ones that know where I live and will sit with me long after the recklessness sours. To do it has no meaning, but to have done it? Well, that is vital to how things go forward. What we are facing right now is so hard and so difficult and so full of meaning spanning a decade. Comparatively, what was skipped on today is worth nothing, it’s already cumbersome and the joy would be short-lived and likely unsatisfactory. And yet it would cost so much.
I’m glad I didn’t go today, even if I let someone down. I didn’t feel like it anymore and it was going to be hard, but I was going to push myself. I would have been a fool to myself, but I checked in with real life for a second and it sucked the anaesthetic out of my bones and I felt the incision I was about to rip in myself. I stopped and things will not be easy, but as my life may fall apart, the last thing I need is more wounds. The last thing I need is more guilt to keep me awake. The last thing I need is more shame to keep me distant. I am better for this.
Quit Vision 