They always come together, the opposite sides of the same thing. Maybe not in the same week, but soon enough you’ll feel one side and then the other comes later. Drinking coffee for the rush or the lull. I want it no less, but I have become sick of the word FREEDOM. I want what it means, but its shape becomes caught in my mouth and needs a few tries to fully spit up, like toothpaste froth in the morning. The word COMFORT fragments as it spins away from me, no longer cast as a cohesive structure that glows warm, blunt, dull, numb. A ready-made life stretched out across a lounger chair. The shards of shattered comfort suddenly become sharply defined. The harsh edges and gaps and stops shoot me afraid as the particles behind them shiver and swim. The static was not as blank as it seemed from within. The edge shows you that you were somewhere. And you have just embarked on a journey through nowhere. The fear is crucial, but it’s worse than it seemed through the windows. Waking up alone. Waking up panicked by the gamble. But as the sleep falls from your eyes, wide and yet still shut, you see this world and this life for real. There is no balance and there is no tonic. What’s out there is scary, but staying here with no future is chilling too. To face one is to miss the other, and my god is it exhausting to miss everything all at once. You miss the control every road-mapped day of your life, but the highway is underneath your treads and the underlying parts of life are supported, so progression is easy but its direction is rigid. It isn’t your direction, but an approximation you accepted from a distance. And with every mile approaching, the acute angle between its course and yours widens and opens like a jaw off into the unknown. The decision to stray was a hard-won battle, and now as you idle at the mouth of a rough, bumpy lane off into the obscure and unseen, the word CONTROL isn’t in the front seat of your mind anymore. Now instead it’s this word COMFORT again. And you look back over your shoulder towards the highway junction exit and begin to flood the engine with nostalgia for the lanes you could see clear where you were… But not where you were going. And as it becomes too much to bear, breathe, and stare back down the entrance of this new coarse trail, where there’s nothing to help you across the loose surface and no detailed maps to show you the turns or the way. This is your direction, and you’ll feel where you’re going, but you won’t know where you are. And you know it’s right. You know that even as you look back and long for the easy route, the moment you rejoined it you’d be looking straight back off into the wilderness directions. You know it’s right, but your heart will not land, and so you are frozen at the mouth of a new life. The breeze on your face is the only reminder that time has not stopped still as you perch back foot on the lip of a high ramp. It will feel impossible to drop in until you’re already halfway down.
They Call It Clarity
They call it clarity. It’s not like a crystal, it’s more like you’ve turned around with your eyes closed. Something was ploughing towards you from behind and you didn’t know. You would have let it impact you, but you turned around and the inside of your eyelids flash-curdled from endless dark to bright light membrane. You felt the headlights shooting at you and your joints bent in reflex and leapt you on their own out of the way. You never saw what it was though, that was coming for you. Just felt an imprint glide raised against your instinctual fabric, and that was enough.
It felt bad in every direction, but one means something and the others do not. I’m truly glad I didn’t go. I was about to, despite the desire leaving me. Despite the vigour and the lust evaporating. Suddenly the ancient parts of me ceased to grind and devour. They let go of their colossal overpowering grip and let slip thousands of years from my modern nerves. I wanted to be, but there was nowhere to be. Practically nothing made sense, and yet I was still full of dread and excitement ready to ride. There was no meaning for me, just opportunity. There was no sense, only a frail spark. I would have frozen, unable to ignite and they would have had nothing. And what about the sheer fear of the unknown and the possibilities that wander into the messy and horrific? In isolation, these are risks I would have taken in exchange for chances, but even when the discomfort was only mild, I had made myself numb to the really heavy reasoning. The parts not out there, but the ones sitting at home. The ones that know where I live and will sit with me long after the recklessness sours. To do it has no meaning, but to have done it? Well, that is vital to how things go forward. What we are facing right now is so hard and so difficult and so full of meaning spanning a decade. Comparatively, what was skipped on today is worth nothing, it’s already cumbersome and the joy would be short-lived and likely unsatisfactory. And yet it would cost so much.
I’m glad I didn’t go today, even if I let someone down. I didn’t feel like it anymore and it was going to be hard, but I was going to push myself. I would have been a fool to myself, but I checked in with real life for a second and it sucked the anaesthetic out of my bones and I felt the incision I was about to rip in myself. I stopped and things will not be easy, but as my life may fall apart, the last thing I need is more wounds. The last thing I need is more guilt to keep me awake. The last thing I need is more shame to keep me distant. I am better for this.
Quit Vision 